Rogues Bard - Comedy - SAS St Ives (Charles Curmudgeon).
You know the S.A.S are based down here in Cornwall ? Yes.it’s true.
If you don’t know who the S.A.S are they’re a load of homicidal maniacs. We fight them on the beaches, we fight them on the streets, and they cause mayhem and destruction wherever they go. All in the name of saving “The Environment” .. “Surfers Against Sewage”.
They’re bloody everywhere. If the surfs up at Fistral beach or Porthmeor you can’t move for fear of being decapitated by a surfboard wielded by some rubber clad fetishist wielding his bloody
surfboard like a light sabre ..”Surfs Up Mate“.
When I first came down here fourteen years ago I thought surfing was all about
“Yin and Yang” and all that sort of spiritual stuff .. Don’t you bloody believe it .. I’d rather walk blindfold across Spaghetti Juncttion than go for a paddle on Porthmeor Beach when the surfs up .. so what’s all that about ?? And now they’ve got “No Go Areas for swimmers". If I roll up my trousers for a paddle some antipodean incredible hulk with peroxide bloody hair and a banana stuffed down his trunks is imitating some latter day “Hells Angel”.
Charging down the shore desecrating the Ozone with with Carbon emissions and doing wheelies on his four wheeled quadmobile screaming at us mere mortals to “Get Outta The Water”.
Er ..excuse me do YOU own the water ?”.
No S.A.S do. Patron saints of weekend surfers. And they’re totally ambivalent to the environmental damage that they’re causing …
Every weekend they drive 400 kilometers from bloody London in gas guzzling bloody cars emitting twelve bloody tons of carbon monoxide gas accelerating global warming and killing polar bears to make even more bloody water … Then they strip half naked, don their polyproopelinwotsit wet suits to flap down to the water like a load of bloody demented seals.
Polypropelinewotsit wet suits ?
Are they Bio-Degradable ? My arse they are …12 Billion surfboards ?
What are they made of then ? Renewable energy wood ? Plant material My arse! No fibre bloody glass.! Is THAT biodegradable ?
My arse it is … and then there’s the accessories..”Rip Curl” ???
Kangeroo Poo. Is THAT Biodegradable ? (well actually it probably is).
Then there’s optional “Surfers Girlfriend” Peroxide hair,, Fake tan boob job , arse job .. is THAT Biodefgradable ? My arse it is .. compared to that crowd a bit of sewage is distinctly preferable … At least it’s Bio-Degradable.! Wanna join the S.A.S ? Well I’m starting my own S.A.S.
SEWAGE AGAINST SURFERS. O.K it might stink a bit but at least it’s bio-degradable and it’s a natural human by product.
So “Don’t Delay” sign today SEWAGE AGAINST SURFERS..You know it makes sense ..
Free “Barbie Doll” for the first 100 customers !!
Charles Curmudgeon. (St Ives).
As featured in Snotton TV The Alternative Tourist guide To St Ives.
Available in our online shop.
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“SEWAGE AGAINST SURFERS “T SHIRT (If You Dare!) or a variety of other original designs by
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